She'll be a star now she'll be a scar now
by haunted.letters
Summary: One-shot, maybe? Post 5x3 (Based off of Calzona season 6 elevator kiss in Grey's anatomy.) Please excuse any errors, this was done in a rush.


She'll be a star now; she'll be a scar now.

Two weeks had passed. Two weeks, three days and twelve hours since I had last seen her. Since I had last heard her voice. I physically ached from not seeing her, from not touching her, from not being with her. It started off as a reaction in a bar, when I ran away, when I ruined things again for the hundredth time. I tried to convince myself that I was doing what was best, if not for me then I somehow thought in my drunken haze that I was doing her a favour. Why didn't I answer her phone calls? Why didn't I reply to her texts? How could I be so stupid? I remember every word, "I would rather taze myself in the eye" even I wince at the wording now. How could I be so insensitive? She was, _she is_ the most wonderful person I've ever met. With Nick it never felt 'right' but with her I felt as though I was the best possible version of myself. I fucked up. It was completely my fault and now she's with someone else. Now she's gone and she's moving on and I'm stuck here in the past, the present, but certainly not moving towards any kind of memorable future with anyone.

She's my person.

We were laughing at something stupid, I can't remember what it was right now, probably something completely stupid. But at the time it was amazing. We were sitting on the floor, it could have been anywhere though, and anywhere was great with her. I didn't know I had feelings for her yet though, I was ignorant of the gentle touches upon my forearm whenever she laughed and her head fell backwards in uproarious laughter at something I said incorrectly. I was ignorant of the way her hand lingered once, just once upon my forearm as her laughter subsided and the joke ended. Just like us. Ended. I was ignorant of how after the joke ended she tucked her hair behind one of her ears and quirked a smile aimed not at the joke, but at me. I was too busy glaring at the stool that caused my fall – I didn't see the blush touch her cheeks softly in clouds of pink as she watched me curse and rave. I didn't notice how her mouth opened to say something but she thought better of it so she kept her perfect mouth shut and just stared. Not a creepy stare, a warm 'I notice you' stare. A stare that I caught, I finally caught but I brushed aside because I was so scared. Holly, I was so scared and I must have known but I was a coward and now you'll never know just how much I need you. How much I see you now.

I see you in everything, I see you in the windows, in my reflection. But more than anything else I feel you. I feel your warm arms around me after that terrible night. That terrible night when you came to get me from the hospital when I injured myself with just a hug and a comment about elephants. I remember you wrapping yourself around me like I was something precious and I remember my heart beating just a little bit faster even though I knew it shouldn't. Even though I knew this was dangerous territory I stayed in your arms because they felt so good and I just couldn't help myself. Why couldn't I help myself? Maybe it was the way your breath tickled my neck and your lips brushed along my back setting me on fire. I feel your strong legs pinning me down after my first nightmare at your home when I woke you up through my screams and you held me. You were the first person to hold me, to hold me even when I screamed to let me go. You just pulled me under you and held me until I calmed down and I could breath properly but even then you didn't stop. You just looked at me, you looked at _me_ and saw my scars and my pain and stayed.

I try to avoid the lab now, I can't bear the thought of not seeing you there. I feeling like I'm dying inside; I know that I am. You're my deepest cut, but you aren't healing you're just bleeding all over the floor and no one notices besides me. I look down at my hands and see the blue folder quivering in them, I have to go into the lab today and I can't see you. I don't want to see you. Because if I see you I won't be able to help myself, I won't be able to keep my silence and Holly I don't want to do that. I can't do that. I press the elevator button to go downwards, my hands won't stay still. The door dings and I get in the elevator, full of people. I sigh in relief.

I'm going down one floor. Then I hear a ding on the first floor and the two other people file out. And you, you file in. You don't look up initially, you're too engrossed in your own thoughts as you keep your head down and press forward. Then you look up.

You look up and for a moment I can bear to see your face. My throat wells up and grows tight. You're the same as always, hair down in curls and glasses pushed up your face. Your eyes – I won't try to describe them. Your smile flickers as you whisper, "Hey" before you turn around to face the doors. Your right hand twitches into a fist.

I can't help myself.

"Holly," I breathe, but as soon as I utter your name I'm pressed up against a wall – your body forcing itself against mine. Your lips are everywhere as you kiss me not once, not twice but four times, alternating the angle of your lips as you reaffirm your claim upon me. I close my eyes and lean into the kiss as my back is up against the cool surface of the elevator. Our lips fit as you dominate the kiss powerfully. My mouth tingles in surprise and I close my eyes to savour whatever is left of this, I can't let you go again.

But if I opened my eyes I would see you open yours first and for a brief second you look at me, you look at me and search my face for some kind of meaning. The pain in your face would rip me into pieces, but I can't see your face for my eyes are closed. You lean in for another kiss and go so far as to almost brush your lips against mine but then you pull back, knowing you shouldn't. I lean forward desperately. The elevator door dings, and even though it isn't your floor you spin around and leave.

I open my eyes and I'm alone, just seeing the back of you walk purposefully away. My heart has broken, I can't breathe as I choke back tears from falling down my face. I'm alone. Again.

What I didn't see were the tears already scalding your cheeks and your lips trembling as you walked away.

What I didn't hear was the soft mumble of my name upon your lips as you shakily walked away.

I didn't feel the scar begin to heal – all I felt were the stiches being ripped away.


End file.
